‘’We shared beautiful moments together ’’

Loneliness after losing a Partner to Suicide

 (By Aisling Lyons)

Christmas time again and couples eagerly shopping for last minute presents, preparing for Christmas day.

The Christmas Eve wind down snuggling up to your loved one on the couch with a glass of wine in hand, watching some light entertainment on the T V, perhaps exchanging a pre-Christmas gift or two.

When you have lost a partner, especially to suicide, you feel empty, alone and the grief is sometimes unbearable.  Nothing can prepare you for the loss.  Xmas will never be the same again.

I can speak with authority on this subject. I lost my partner Brian to suicide on 6th August 2017.

We were three years together. He was my soulmate, the one I felt I was waiting for. We shared beautiful moments together. He meant so much to me and I cherish those precious memories. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought such a loss could happen. But it did and in the aftermath came a life alien to my being with the shock, trauma, and complicated grief to name a few as well as  the loss of one’s identity and finding oneself fighting to survive in a world  of isolation and loneliness. 

There is no solution to what once was a joyful time experienced as a couple.  So much to look forward to but in the blink of an eye, it is all taken away.

Now you are on your own with your thoughts, trying to make your way through what was once an enjoyable and memorable event, not just Christmas time but also included are the many special days throughout the whole year.

The isolation that is felt at this time is very trying on your whole being.  Your identity as a couple is lost, not just now but forever and to get by with that loss of identity can be really challenging.

The feeling of loneliness in the first few years is felt. To combat this I found that connecting with family members and taking part in family celebrations in the following years is imperative, especially at Christmas time. This can be so difficult especially in the early years for many reasons such as not wanting to impose your grief and heartbreak on other members of your family as well as the feeling of being exposed and to be honest you sometimes feel the need to have that space alone so as to ground yourself again and process the shock and trauma following the loss you have encountered. Within my first year of loss I was lucky to come across a support group in Dublin called Friends of Suicide Loss. I found here an understanding, support, compassion and trust in a group of incredible and inspiring people, whom I could empathise with and that made all the difference. I encountered some wonderful people who had been affected by suicide such as partners, parents, siblings and those grieving the loss of a parent. I was fortunate and felt privileged to attend those groups as well as a special bereaved partners only group which I am now facilitating on a regular basis. 

I would just like to add that from my experience, along with connecting with likeminded people such as the group Friends of Suicide Loss, you begin to realise that everyone close to you matters and even more so now. That time spent with others and creating new memories is so important.  Your partner will never be forgotten, as Iong as you are still breathing, and can live on in your future dreams and thoughts, for they are always there, watching over, to help and support us.

Note: If you have lost a partner to suicide and wish to join the FOSL bereaved partners support group please feel free to contact Aisling on (01) 4927576 or if ringing from outside Ireland +35314927576 or email info@fosl.ie